In this episode, Jamie and Heather sit down with Valerie Isaacs, a licensed professional counselor supervisor, reflective consultant, and mental health trainer.
It’s honest, eye-opening, grace-filled, and full of hope for every stage of the parenting journey.
If you’ve ever lain awake wondering, Am I messing my kids up? you’re in good company.
So many of us are parenting without a clear template. Maybe you grew up in an unstable home. Maybe you lost a parent young. Maybe you had parents who loved you, but didn’t really talk about feelings.
Then one day, you’re the one holding a screaming baby at 2 AM or staring down a hormonal middle-schooler, thinking, I don’t even know what I’m doing here.
This is where the language of attachment can be a gift—not as a label to shame you, but as a tool to understand how you were shaped, how you’re parenting now, and how Jesus can bring healing and security into the story.
Attachment is just a fancy word for: How did you learn to do relationships?
From around birth to the end of the first year of life—especially between 7–9 months—babies are building a blueprint in their brains for what relationships are like. (Learn more about the different attachment styles here)
Here’s how it forms:
Baby has a need → baby cues (crying, fussing, reaching)
Caregiver responds → feeds, comforts, changes, holds, smiles, talks
This back-and-forth is often called “serve and return.”
Baby “serves” with a cue. Caregiver “returns” with a response. And based on how those needs were met, or not met, an attachment style starts to form.
And here’s the wild part: unless something interrupts that pattern—healing, awareness, counseling, discipleship—we tend to carry the same style into adulthood and into our parenting.
If you’re already replaying every colicky night or moment you let your baby cry…don’t panic.
Research tells us that to form a secure attachment, a caregiver only needs to respond accurately about 30% of the time.
Thirty. Percent.
Not 100%. Not even 70%.
You don’t have to nail every moment. You just need to be consistently “good enough” over time.
So if guilt is already creeping in—hear this clearly:
You have not ruined your child’s life because you weren’t a perfect parent.
If we never look at our own attachment story, we will almost always parent out of it. Take the Attachment Style Quiz
A few common ways that can show up:
Maybe you had a colicky baby who cried for hours.
Their crying didn’t just feel loud—it felt like failure.
When that happens, the focus quietly shifts from:
What does my child need? to I can’t handle this. I need this feeling to stop.
We stop being emotionally available because their feelings hit our unhealed places.
So we might:
Shut it down: “Stop crying. You’re fine.”
Over-spiritualize it: throw a quick verse at them so we feel better, not so they feel seen.
Distract: “Here, have a snack. Let’s watch a movie. Let’s just not feel this.”
All of those can teach a child, My big feelings are too much. I need to manage them alone.
He never says:
“That fear is too much for Me.”
“That anger is unacceptable—come back when you’re happy.”
“That grief is embarrassing. Put it away.”
He’s the God who sees, who walks with us through the valley, who’s not scared of the full range of human emotions.
When we shut our kids down, we’re not reflecting His heart.
If you’re thinking, “Oh no… I’ve done a lot of this,” welcome to the club.
Here’s the hope: God built repair into the design of relationships.
Therapists sometimes talk about “rupture and repair.”
A rupture is when something breaks trust, connection, or safety.
Repair is when we name it, own it, and move toward the person in humility.
When it’s set correctly and allowed to heal, the place where it broke can actually become stronger than before.
The same can be true in relationships.
With your kids, repair might sound like:
“I see that you’re anxious and carrying a lot on your own. I realize I’ve often only welcomed your happy, put-together parts. I’m sorry. I want to learn how to be with you in the hard emotions too.”
You’re not dumping your guilt on them. You’re:
Naming what happened
Acknowledging its impact
Expressing a desire to do better
Inviting grace and connection
From a Christian perspective, this is just… repentance, forgiveness, and restoration.
These patterns we call “attachment styles” are often just modern language for what Scripture calls generational sin or curses—ways of relating that snake their way down family lines unless Jesus intervenes.
The good news?
Through Jesus, we’re not stuck repeating the same story.
Attachment quizzes, books, podcasts—these can all be really helpful. They can give language to things you’ve felt for years:
But self-awareness is not the finish line.
As followers of Jesus, the goal isn’t to stare at ourselves forever. It’s to see:
“Here’s where my story, my sin, and others’ sin have misshaped my ability to love well… and here’s where Jesus wants to heal, restore, and make me more like Him.”
Jesus is the only person who has ever been perfectly secure.
When we study our attachment style, we’re not just trying to “optimize ourselves.” We’re asking:
“Where is my default way of relating getting in the way of loving God and others well? And how can I submit this to Jesus?”
It’s sanctification, not self-improvement.
If you’re feeling both seen and a little overwhelmed, here are a few gentle, practical next steps:
Talk honestly with God about your story.
“Lord, here’s what my childhood was like. Here’s what I see in myself as a parent. I give You my past, my parents, my grandparents, my kids, and my patterns. Help me see what You want to heal.”
Name one place you might need repair.
Maybe it’s a teenager you shut down when they were anxious, or a younger child you’ve been too busy to really notice. Ask God for courage and humility, then move toward them.
Practice one moment of full presence a day.
Put the phone face-down. Look your child in the eyes. Listen all the way through, even if the story is long and slightly uninteresting. Let your face show, “I’m with you.”
Strengthen one side you tend to neglect.
If you’re all nurture and no boundaries—ask God for boldness to follow through on consequences.
If you’re all boundaries and no nurture—ask God for softness to sit with emotions without fixing.
Abide, don’t just “try harder.”
Read John 15. Ask the Holy Spirit to make this real: you bear fruit by abiding, not by white-knuckling. Security comes as you rest in His love, not as you perfectly execute a parenting strategy.
God created you for relationship, and He provided the ultimate repair through Jesus. The cross is the place where every rupture—between us and God, and between us and each other—meets the possibility of restoration.
His mercies are new every morning.
You don’t have to be a perfect parent—just a “30% and growing” one, learning to abide in a perfectly secure Savior.
And as you do, your home can slowly become a safer, more secure place—for your kids, and for you.
Show notes:
Check out Valerie’s Podcast: The Whole Person Parenting Podcast (with Valerie Isaacs)
Take the Attachment Style Quiz
The Still Face Experiment: A powerful demonstration of how babies respond to connection and disconnection.
Understanding Attachment Styles
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