Let’s be honest—sometimes, marriage can feel like a battleground. We know communication is key, yet, we avoid talking about what’s really going on. Lance and Brandy Salazar, marriage experts and authors, have lived through this and come out stronger.
Their story and practical wisdom offer real hope for couples who feel disconnected and discontent in their marriage and in themselves.
Moving from Contempt to Compassion
One of the hardest places to be in a marriage is when you feel contempt for your spouse. It’s nearly impossible to love someone when resentment has taken root. Contempt often stems from unresolved issues, misunderstandings, or unmet expectations. But here’s the good news—you don’t have to stay stuck in this cycle.
Contempt is an emotional wall that keeps us from seeing our spouse through God’s eyes. The truth is, God doesn’t look at us with frustration, disappointment, or resentment. His stance is, “I am for you.”
When we look at our spouse through this lens of grace and support, it shifts how we approach them. It’s not about focusing on what they’re doing wrong but seeking the good in them.
Shift from Correcting to Noticing
A major turning point for many couples is learning to stop correcting and directing their spouse. It’s easy to fall into the habit of pointing out flaws, trying to “fix” things.
Lance and Brandy emphasize the importance of noticing what your spouse is doing well. Intentionally search for the good.
This shift begins with appreciation. When you start focusing on what your spouse is doing right, it not only changes how you feel about them, but it also builds trust. You create a foundation of respect and admiration, and trust grows from there.
Don’t forget, trust isn’t built overnight, but with intentionality and consistency.
Sharing Success Together
Another crucial aspect of overcoming resentment in marriage is sharing in each other’s successes. Whether it’s big wins or small victories, acknowledging and celebrating what’s going well in each other’s lives creates a sense of partnership.
It’s a reminder that you’re in this together—not working against each other, but cheering each other on. Their success is your success and vice versa.
Communication: Start Slow, But Start
Like real trust, real communication doesn’t happen overnight. You can’t go from surface-level conversations to diving deep into emotional waters in a day: just like you can’t run a marathon tomorrow if you haven’t been training.
Start with simple questions to get to know each other in a new way: what was your most embarrassing moment as a child? If you could go anywhere in the world, where would it be and why?
Deep communication involves getting underneath the surface issues, the ones that tend to trigger arguments. It’s not about talking more; it’s about talking better.
To really know someone, especially your spouse, you have to study them. You have to be willing to invest the time and effort to understand their needs, fears, and dreams.
But don’t be afraid to start slow with simple questions that will lead you to deeper knowledge and communication.
Marriage 101: Don’t Wait Until You’re in Crisis Mode
If you feel like your marriage is on the brink, don’t wait until you’re in crisis mode to seek help. Lance and Brandy encourage couples to take proactive steps. They offer a Marriage 101 course that helps couples strengthen their relationships before they reach a breaking point. Even if things are going well, taking the time to invest in your marriage now can prevent bigger issues down the road.
Check out the Group Finder for monthly midsize groups where you can dive deeper into these conversations and gain tools to strengthen your marriage. The key is to keep growing—whether you’re in a tough season or thriving, there’s always room to build a stronger connection.
Marriage doesn’t come with an instruction manual, but with the right tools, support, and perspective, it can thrive.