In this episode, Heather and Jamie unpack different sources of shame and how we can come out of hiding, step into the light, and be known.
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In a culture overflowing with sexual messages, many of us are quietly carrying questions, confusion, or even shame around the topic of sex—especially in marriage. It’s no secret this conversation still feels a little taboo, even among Christians. But Scripture isn’t silent on sex—and we shouldn’t be either.
This conversation is rooted in the foundation of biblical literacy. God’s Word doesn’t avoid the topic of sex. In fact, it gives us a picture of its goodness, purpose, and design. But to understand it clearly, we have to bring our full selves into the light—including our stories, wounds, expectations, and yes, our shame.
Shame: The First Divider
Shame shows up early in the story of Scripture. In Genesis 2, Adam and Eve are naked and unashamed, living in full intimacy with God and one another. But when sin enters the world, so does shame. They hide themselves—physically and spiritually. God asks, “Who told you that you were naked?”
Shame often does the same to us. It tells us something’s wrong with us. It drives us into hiding. And many of us are still covering parts of our past or present—upbringing, sexual experiences, addiction, unspoken struggles—afraid of what might happen if we’re fully seen.
But here’s the truth: shame keeps us from the good things God has for us. Healing begins not with trying harder but with coming out of hiding.
The Sources of Shame
Sex isn’t just physical—it’s deeply emotional, mental, and spiritual. And how we think about sex is often shaped long before we even experience it.
Some of the most common sources of shame and dysfunction include:
Purity culture teachings that overemphasized fear and external behavior without forming healthy expectations
Pornography, which distorts desire and often leads to secrecy, guilt, and relational disconnection
Past sexual experiences that leave emotional baggage
Lack of education, particularly for those who were told “just wait” but never taught what intimacy looks like in marriage
We’re often left with a narrow, idealized picture of sex—especially from media, which portrays it as always spontaneous, effortless, and fulfilling. When our real experience doesn’t match that script, we wonder if something is wrong with us.
Understanding Differences Without Shame
One common source of confusion in marriage is mismatched sex drives. Maybe one spouse desires sex more frequently, while the other rarely feels “in the mood.” This can stir up shame, frustration, or even resentment. But there’s actually a helpful distinction between spontaneous and responsive sex drives—both are normal. Understanding the difference can free couples from the lie that their desire (or lack of it) is broken.
Open and honest communication with your spouse is one of the best ways to resist the enemy’s strategy of division. Sex is meant to draw you together, not tear you apart.
Purity Culture and Its Burden
If you grew up in the church, you might be familiar with the messages of purity culture. While often well-intentioned, these teachings sometimes carried a burden especially heavy for women—implying that their worth was tied to sexual purity or that they bore the responsibility for male temptation.
Modesty was emphasized, but not always with dignity or balance. The result? A generation of women (and men) who carried unspoken shame into marriage, unsure how to move from “don’t” to “delight.”
The good news is: God redeems what shame distorts. Your story doesn’t disqualify you. You are not damaged goods. In Christ, you are forgiven, loved, and made new.
What About Porn?
In our digital age, pornography is more accessible than ever. For many, it has shaped expectations around sex long before they ever had a chance to learn a healthier view.
If porn addiction in your partner has created pain in your marriage, it’s important to know: you didn’t cause it, and you can’t fix it for someone else. Real healing requires personal responsibility and outside help. It’s not your burden to carry alone.
The Way Toward Healing
So how do we move from shame to freedom?
We start by getting honest—with God, with ourselves, and with someone we trust.
Ask:
What shaped the way I view sex?
Where is shame hiding in my heart?
How is it affecting my intimacy with my spouse—and with God?
And then listen. Let God tell you who you really are. Let His voice be louder than shame’s.
You were never meant to stay hidden.
God calls us out of shame and into intimacy—with Him and with one another. Through honest conversations, godly community, and Christ-centered truth, we can walk in freedom.
And our marriages can reflect the kind of love that doesn’t hide but heals.
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Book Recommendations:
The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van Der Kolk M.D.
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