In this episode, Whit and Casey discuss Ephesians 4 and unpack the biggest problem to our marriages: self-centeredness and the antidote: the gospel.
Marriage is often seen as the pinnacle of relational success in our culture—a relationship where two people find love, happiness, and a partner for life. Yet, the truth is that marriage is much more than a social contract or a personal achievement. It is a divine institution, a living picture of how God loves us, and a core building block of how He has chosen to work throughout history.
As we explore the depths of what marriage truly is, we may discover that our cultural and personal constructs of marriage are skewed, leaving us with misconceptions that can lead to disappointment and disillusionment. The purpose of this exploration is not just to improve our marriages, but to understand how we, as individuals, can become the kind of people capable of a healthy marriage—with someone else and, most importantly, with God.
In today’s world, many of us have inherited our views of marriage from our parents, movies, books, and the society around us. We carry these expectations into our relationships, often unaware of how they shape our understanding of love, commitment, and what it means to be married.
Media creates a misconception that if our relationship is “right,” it should be easy—an idea that couldn’t be further from the truth.
Marriage, from a Christian perspective, is a creation of the Lord. It’s not simply an ideal to be reached but a covenant that reflects the relationship between Christ and His church. This means that to truly understand marriage, we need to be taught what it is from a biblical standpoint.
Without this understanding, we risk building our marriages on faulty foundations.
To grasp the biblical concept of marriage, we must turn to the scriptures, particularly the writings of Paul in Ephesians. Before Paul addresses marriage directly in Ephesians 5, he lays a crucial foundation in Ephesians 4. Paul assumes that those he is speaking to have been shaped by the gospel, and that their understanding of marriage rests on this foundation.
Marriage cannot be separated from the gospel. Paul’s instructions about marriage in Ephesians 5 are not isolated commands; they are deeply connected to the gospel message.
He speaks to the church in Ephesus, urging them not to live in accordance with their old ways but to embrace a new life in Christ. This new life transforms how we see ourselves, our relationships, and ultimately, our marriages.
Paul assumes that those he writes to have “learned Christ.” This phrase implies not just intellectual knowledge, but a deep, experiential understanding of Christ’s love and sacrifice. This kind of love is the antidote to the selfishness that can erode a marriage.
At the heart of many marital problems lies self-centeredness—a focus on one’s own needs and desires, often at the expense of the other person. This self-centeredness can manifest in different ways: sometimes it’s overt and destructive, other times it’s hidden behind good intentions and self-righteousness. Regardless of how it appears, the root is the same: pride and a lack of genuine love.
The truth is, we don’t have the capacity to be anything other than selfish on our own. To experience a healthy marriage, there needs to be a willingness to see and address the things within us that need to change. This isn’t just a marriage issue; it’s a human issue.
Whether married or not, the starting point for any healthy relationship is a reborn self—a self that is continually being shaped into the image of Christ.
The greatest conflict in marriage often isn’t between you and your spouse, but between you and yourself. We are masters of deflection, avoiding the hard work of self-reflection and change. But in marriage, and in life, we cannot change other people. We can only work on ourselves.
It begins with daily renewal—putting off the old self and embracing the new creation that God has made us to be. This is like putting on a new set of clothes, tailored to our new identity in Christ. These behaviors—kindness, tender-heartedness, forgiveness—are not just moral suggestions; they are the natural outflow of a life transformed by the gospel.
Are your relationships, including your marriage, characterized by love, joy, peace, and patience? If not, it may be time to reconnect with the life of God, allowing His love to shape and guide you.
Living in light of the gospel means allowing it to continually reshape our view of life, love, and marriage. It means walking by faith, not by sight, trusting that God’s design for marriage is good, even when it is challenging.
Paul calls the Church to embody this kind of love in our marriages and in our communities. We are called to be kind, tender-hearted, and forgiving, just as Christ has forgiven us. This kind of love has the power to change the world, starting with our own hearts and homes.
Marriage is more than a relationship between two people. It is a reflection of God’s love for us, a profound mystery that points to the greater reality of Christ and His church.
As we seek to understand and live out this truth, may we become the kind of people who are capable of not only healthy marriages but of living lives that glorify God in every aspect.
Show Notes:
Check Out the Message: Beginning the Journey to a Healthy Marriage
In this episode, these books are mentioned:
Renovation of the Heart by Dallas Willard
How to Stay Married by Harrison Scott Key
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