Independence Vs. Codependence

In marriage, it’s easy to view your spouse as an obstacle to what you want or as someone who simply gets in the way of your plans. It happens when the visions you have for your future don’t align, and instead of being partners, you start feeling like neighboring countries—independent, coexisting, but not really intertwined in purpose.

While independence can be healthy, too much of it in marriage keeps couples from experiencing the fullness of unity God designed.

In contrast, some relationships lean toward codependence. This is when one partner feels the need to completely lose themselves in the relationship. Their happiness and stability become dependent on the other’s mood or well-being. When your spouse’s happiness dictates your own, you become trapped. You can’t allow their moods to hold you hostage, yet your spouse’s well-being isn’t something you can completely ignore.

A Call to Interdependence

So, how do we balance this? How do we support our spouse without enabling unhealthy behaviors?

There’s a middle ground we’re called to move toward: interdependence.

Interdependence—where we support each other but still maintain our individual identities—is the goal. As Christians, we no longer act just for our good; we act for the good of those we’re bound to, especially in marriage.

We’re called to lay down selfish desires for a greater good, but not in a way that compromises our spiritual or emotional health.

Trading One Freedom for Another

When you step into marriage, you’re trading one kind of freedom for another. You no longer get to do whatever you want whenever you want, but in exchange, you gain a deep and meaningful partnership. This is where interdependence thrives—you’re free to lean on one another without being consumed by the other.

A relationship with God helps you maintain your sense of self even in marriage. When your identity is rooted in Christ, you’re not swayed by every emotion or conflict that comes up.

Being One Flesh

Being “one flesh” in marriage means you are equal partners, but that doesn’t mean you’re interchangeable. God created each of us uniquely in His image, and that uniqueness is something to be celebrated, not erased.

The fullest expression of what it means to be human requires sacrificial love, and becoming one flesh means laying down your life for the good of the other.

We often try to mold our spouses to be more like us, but that’s not the point of marriage. Instead, marriage acts as a mirror. Your spouse reflects things about you that you might not otherwise see. Having someone outside yourself helps you get a better perspective of who you are and where you need to grow.

Having a Common Horizon

In marriage, one of the most important things is to have a common horizon—a shared vision for where you’re headed together. But it’s deeper than just dreaming about the future. The real common horizon is found in who you’re becoming as you both pursue Christ. It’s an ongoing journey of moving toward seeing God’s kingdom come, not just in the world around you but in your relationship.

The best thing for God’s kingdom is for you to become the fullest, truest version of yourself, and marriage can be one of the tools God uses to help you get there.

When men and women are in a healthy relationship, flourishing happens—not just for themselves, but for everyone around them.

SINGLENESS AND FLOURISHING

That doesn’t mean if you’re single, you can’t become the fullest version of yourself! Singleness has its own beauty and value, and it’s not a lesser state than marriage.

In the church, it can sometimes feel like single people are on the JV team while married people are on Varsity. But marriage is only a picture of something deeper. Ultimately, Christ is the faithful spouse to all of us, and whether married or single, we all have access to His love, care, and community.

Marriage isn’t the end goal.

So, how do we fight for each other instead of with each other? It starts with that shared vision, that common horizon. When you’re both working toward the same goal—becoming more like Christ—you’re no longer opponents. Instead, you’re teammates, moving in the same direction, even when it’s hard.

Marriage isn’t the end goal, it’s a reflection of something greater. Whether married or single, lean into your current stage of life, into your Christian community, and most of all, into Christ.

When you do, you’re moving toward becoming the fullest version of who God created you to be.